“It’s time to make up bullshit
It’s time to get uptight
It’s time to meet the public
With a Muppet show of rights”
If ever there was a “You’ve Been Framed” of fuck-witted, flat-footed cops then this is it. A page dedicated to the most outrageous examples of our beloved Keystone Cop Law Enforcement doing what they do best.
Bollocking it up.
1. DOOR TO DOOR POLICE SALESMAN
This copper thinks he’s invisible. He turns up on this Youtuber’s doorstep for no other reason I can tell but to flaunt his hand. When the householder informs the policeman that he’s standing on his doorstep Inspector Brainiac replies:
“No I’m not.”
Erm, yes you are. Unless he was that stupid he genuinely thought he was back at the police station and wondering why the reception had been freshly carpeted. Anyway, clearly they don’t have enough crime in their neck of the woods that they need to go soliciting door-to-door looking for action.
2. BEING A COPPER MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY
This cop decides to give an impromptu road safety speech to an approaching cyclist by blocking an entire lane of traffic with his big van. And he’s not wearing a seatbelt. The cyclist had made the fatal error of turning down a road he had every right to turn down, whilst a miserable copper was looking for someone’s day to ruin. When the copper realises it’s HIS mistake he makes up for it by not apologising and threatening to read a sign one day.
3. PLEASE DON’T COMMIT A CRIME MR CRIMINAL WE’RE HERE TO HELP!
Having seen a gang of ‘Yewt’ trying to break into a mini-mart, this lorry load of useless turn up mob handed. Not so they can arrest them for going equipped. No. But so they can bring their own video cameras and film them doing it. And not undercover, no. That wouldn’t be fair on the criminals would it, hiding out and catching them at it. Instead they bowl up to them bold as brass and let the gang know that if they aren’t careful, they might have to arrest them. And clearly that’s something the police are extremely reluctant to do. What with them being criminals and everything. Naturally all the threats and bullying that occurs when lawful people dare to point video cameras police-ward are spared this lot. Instead, they’re granted on the spot interviews, where the officers explain themselves, and then a gentle negotiation begins in the hope that the police can persuade the gang not to go through with it and avoid themselves the trouble of having to protect the law abiding.
4. A TIT AND A PAIR
Brain-dead tit monster Katie Price gets special treatment from the police. She’s allowed to park where she wants, have dodgy plates and drive without insurance. This is because she has a pair of bouncy castles strapped to her chest and a face like a Revlon Clown. So rather than have her arrested – or preferably tazered – this cop lets the queen of chavs boss him around in a manner that would have earned somebody less famous 10 points on their license.
5. WALLACE & GROMIT RAID A DRUG DEALER
More telly crap. Watch what happens when this plasticine pair raid the wrong house. They cream themselves laughing. That’s because to a copper, the innocent are just criminals waiting to happen.
6. SOOTY & SWEEP MAKE UP THE LAW
If you didn’t know, the police have powers to make up legislation on the spot and arrest you for it. They don’t, but these pair of gormless glove puppets seem to think they do. It’s not an offense to film the police, especially when you’re standing in YOUR OWN FRONT GARDEN, but it is an offense to have an arse for a mouth and a turd for a brain when in uniform, so this pair are well overdue for a collar feeling session.
7. “ARTICULABLE? IS THAT A WORD IS IT?”
Yes it is a word, and one that perfectly describes the cranial ability of this comedy duo. Why these coppers are loitering on mountain bikes on this street corner is anyone’s guess. I suppose Forrest Gump and his mate Egor were looking for some other forty-five year old kids to play with that day. Either that, or they’d just had their police skateboards confiscated. This is a prime example of what happens when you both ‘answer back’ to egotistical bored cops and make it clear you know more about the law than they do.
8. AND STAND UP STRAIGHT COPPER
In a battle of wits, it’s clear who’s on the losing side of this. But then again, if you’re going to cross examine people on the spot without having something as trivial as a courtroom around you, expect the ‘suspect’ to respond as if stood in a witness box. Not only does this driver’s quickfire account of what just happened totally poleaxe the officer concerned, he gets the added pleasure of telling the cop to stop leaning on his car too. Classic!
9. “WHAT’S GOING ON?” A BIT OF NEEDLESS BULLYING THAT’S WHAT
This copper has made the common mistake that many serving police officers make. That of confusing himself with the King of Siam. Expecting every unwashed civilian he encounters to bow and fawn in the manner to which he is accustomed. But when this bemused cameraman doesn’t comply with this officer’s unlawful request to do as he’s told, plod resorts to manhandling the lens like some cowboy building merchant in a Roger Cook documentary.
10. FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
Dorothy and Toto discover what’s really at the end of a yellow painted road.
11. ASSAULT ON PRECINCT USELESS
How many coppers does it take to challenge one man with a scaffold pole? About a hundred if you’re based in Leyton. And that’s 2 flirting around him like a ballerina while the other 98 herd the crowd into doing as they’re told.
12. HELP ME NEIL!
At first I thought the police were trying to arrest a character from Viz, but then from what he keeps shouting I realised it must have been Rik from the Young Ones. What’s funny about this is the overly-dramatic music the moment this useless scally makes a run for it in the style of a 90 year old lady. The music really should have included one of those trumpeting “Wah – wah – wah – wahhhhhh!” motifs, the moment constable thumbs accidentally gives his partner a faceful of CS spray.
13. DERBY AQUA-MARINE COPS
Doesn’t surprise me in the least this happened in Derby. The intellectual level of coppers around here is about that of your average teaspoon. Even these villagers (who – knowing Derby – were probably out looking for witches to burn) fail to stop these arrogant coppers from multiplying their stupidity tenfold by driving into the inevitable. Cops inside probably they thought they were driving Optimus Prime and expected it to morph into a submarine.
14. INTOXICATION OF THE LAW
This police woman – or school gym teacher – talks as if legislation is available in 98% proof bottles and she’s drunk a crate of it. She recites the law like she’s being sick on it. And wants us to be sick too.
15. “I DON”T HAVE TO HAVE ANY LAW TO TAKE YOUR DETAILS”
This is an example of the sort of ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway’ policing that happens every day on our streets. But instead of improvising comedy for laughs, it’s the police’s job to improvise the law to bring about misery. In this case, P.C Utterbastard has seen a photographer with a much better camera than he has, and who’s stood in the street with it looking far more important than he is. And there’s nothing the police hate more than being upstaged.
16. ON THE SPOT FINE FOR BEING COCKY
The prevention of terrorism act to the police was like a prime steak to a pack of starving dogs. It was without doubt the trump card in their arsenal of bully-boy tactics to herd the public into surrendering to their power. Naturally it was never used to catch any real terrorists, but to goad the innocent into shoring up the fragile egos of bastard cops, who get off on jangling jail keys into innocent people’s faces. How this little shit ever became a PCSO is anyone’s guess. He’d have been better off with a full-time job of raping farmyard animals.