by Rob Warner   The best part of running this website is helping people make complaints and bring compensation claims against the police. Over the years... P.C. Pinocchio Demonstrates How to Lie to the Public (Badly)


by Rob Warner


The best part of running this website is helping people make complaints and bring compensation claims against the police. Over the years I have developed a range of tactics to defeat their entirely bent complaints process and circumvent the factory of useless that is the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC). But without doubt, the most common issue I encounter is the police’s willingness to lie.


The police will lie about anything and everything. They will lie big and small. They will lie in their notebooks and incident logs. They will lie to senior officers. They will lie to victims, witnesses and suspects. Even at risk of committing perjury, they will lie in court.


Lying is a natural and common part of a police officers job. They do it primarily to protect themselves and their colleagues from wrongdoing. But most of all, police officers lie to make their jobs easier.


Let me give you a case in point…


A while ago I was getting repeated calls from the same organisation, over and over again. They would ring my land line, sometimes five times a day, mostly late at night and each time I would tell them to piss off and then note their number via 1471. I then did a reverse lookup of the number on the internet to see if I could locate where the calls were coming from. Among the multitude of cold call resistance forums I found the details of a company based in the UK.


As I’d already given my number to the ever useless Telephone Preference Service (TPS), it meant that this company were calling numbers at random, which is illegal in the UK. Also, as I’d made repeated requests for them to stop, any further calls could be considered malicious and a course of conduct under the Protection from Harassment Act as well as a breach of the Communications Act 2003.


So who do you contact when somebody is committing a criminal offence that is causing you alarm and distress?


Well not the police obviously. And certainly not Derbyshire police that’s for sure.


Just as a test, I thought I’d give the East Midlands Division of the Keystone Cops a ring. It goes without saying I didn’t contact them with a mind to insist they do something about a criminal matter. I’m not that daft. But I did want an explanation as to what was PREVENTING them from doing something. Especially as the pursuit of trivial harassment against ONE person seems to be a major part of a police officer’s duties these days. More so when it relates to social media. So what stops them from approaching a huge corporation, where by one fell swoop they could march in, prosecute and no doubt prevent THOUSANDS of people in one instant from having to suffer the misery and distress of these aggressive cold calling bastards?




The following day I received a message on my answer machine from a snippy and petulant cop calling himself PC Parker. He wasn’t in the least bit happy that I’d dared to report a criminal offence to the police. Especially one as lowly as this. Didn’t I know that there were different types of crime in the world? There was:


A) Crime that the police had been told by the government to bother with and…

B) All other crime.


Mine clearly fell into category B. Which meant therefore it wasn’t worth the bother.


He further articulated that there were two different types of harassment:


A) Harassment by an individual, which is totally unlawful.

B) Harassment by a company, which is miraculously lawful.


Why? He didn’t explain. Nor did he explain the obvious contradiction that the person calling me from this otherwise immune-to-the-rule-of-law company was also an individual. What he did explain though – at length – was that it wasn’t worth me bothering to contact him again but in the unlikely event I should here’s a garbled number to call.


So I rang it.


What happened next is beyond parody…


The officer was so determined not to speak to me, that when I called, he immediately pretended to be someone else!


Yes, that’s the effect I have on police officers. They are so keen not to discuss the reality of the law, they are willing to commit fraud just to avoid doing so.


The moment I said my name, he paused, blustered, asked me to hang on and then came back 30 seconds later pretending to be someone else. He couldn’t quite get the whole way through the lie however and made an abortive attempt at giving a false name;  which came out as ‘Turn-‘ presumably in the hope that he could claim I misheard him, should I challenge his lies later.


But what he didn’t realise was that I was recording the call. As I do whenever I speak to anyone I presume to be a lying bastard. Or a police officer. Which, as I have already pointed out, are one and the same.


This officer was so stupid, he’d probably forgotten he’d left a message on my machine. Which I’d had to play back 5 or 6 times to decipher some meaningful information out of his dour, coma inducing voice. So the moment he came onto the line I recognized him for the PC Parker he really was rather than the PC Turn- he was pretending to be.


The edited highlights of P.C Pinnochio dodging all reason, logic and honesty can be found in the video below. As are my attempts at trying to peel his real name out of him and his refusal to answer. That’s when he wasn’t repeatedly slamming the phone down on me.




And in case you’re wondering, the reason I didn’t call back for a FOURTH time is that although I knew the police would do nothing to protect ME from harassing calls, I knew they’d do everything they could to protect THEMSELVES from harassing calls.


Should I have bothered making a complaint to Derbyshire Professional Standards Department? Thereby allowing the same regime that affords this officer the position to lie and dodge the public with impunity to be the same regime that corrects him?




This website is a far more effective and deserving place to hold lying cops to account. Besides which, we can all get a good laugh out of what a complete failure he is as a full-time wooden stand-in for an Italian carpenter’s son, but what a total success he is at a being an utter twat.


Rob Warner